Achmidenadafjadn...errr.... President Tom (as Glenn Beck likes to call him) of the Islamic Republic of Iran recently sat down with noted leftist Moonbat Markos Zuniga "Screw Em" Moulitsas of DailyKos.
And Another Rovian Conspiracy has obtained the transcript. All apologies to Wuzzadem for plagiarizing his typically hilarious format... (if that's something that can be plagiarized.)
Kos: President Tom - Great to see you. Have you lost some weight? And it looks like your beard is fuller.... more "Guevera-esque" if I do say so myself.
President Tom: Thank you for the compliment. Before we start, I must pray.
O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.
Kos: oookay... little weird. Uncomfortable here. But, hey... at least you're not some bible-thumping Pentecostal like that nutjob Ashcroft!
I understand you had an opening statement... would you like to go ahead with that?
Tom: Sure, thanks...
Were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries;
Kos: WHOOOHOOO!! GIVE IT TO CHIMPY W. MCBUSHTILER!! AWWWRIGHT!!!! Oh... sorry. get carried away when you guys lower the boom on the devil. Please continue.
Tom: Thank you. Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking, while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities;
And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity;
Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.
While Divine providence has placed Iran and the United States geographically far apart, we should be cognizant that human values and our common human spirit, which proclaim the dignity and exalted worth of all human beings, have brought our two great nations of Iran and the United States closer together.
Both our nations are God-fearing, truth-loving and justice-seeking, and both seek dignity, respect and perfection.
Both greatly value and readily embrace the promotion of human ideals such as compassion, empathy, respect for the rights of human beings, securing justice and equity, and defending the innocent and the weak against oppressors and bullies.
We are all inclined towards the good, and towards extending a helping hand to one another, particularly to those in need.
We all deplore injustice, the trampling of peoples' rights and the intimidation and humiliation of human beings.
We all detest darkness, deceit, lies and distortion, and seek and admire salvation, enlightenment, sincerity and honesty.
Kos: Okay... that's great. Now, I wanted to ask you about Iraq. Why do you think Chimpy W. McBushitler invaded that great country? Was it because of oil? His Daddy? Or just pure corporatist / fascistic greed by Cheney?
Tom: Interesting question... a bit slanted, but interesting. I think they are all valid reasons and I have expressed them myself in international forums. It's truly unfortunate that Iraq is now such a devastated place. It's a shame that your soldiers are dying and causing so much harm to the Iraqi people. We would be more than happy to provide for the security of Iraq, but things are so complicated there. I mean... who knows where those suicide bombers and insurgents are all coming from? There's no way you can trace them, right? Am I right?
Kos: So, what do you think we should do in Iraq and in the broader Middle East?
Tom: As I mentioned, we have common concerns, face similar challenges, and are pained by the sufferings and afflictions in the world.
We, like you, are aggrieved by the ever-worsening pain and misery of the Palestinian people. Persistent aggressions by the Zionists are making life more and more difficult for the rightful owners of the land of Palestine. In broad day-light, in front of cameras and before the eyes of the world, they are bombarding innocent defenseless civilians, bulldozing houses, firing machine guns at students in the streets and alleys, and subjecting their families to endless grief.
No day goes by without a new crime.
Palestinian mothers, just like Iranian and American mothers, love their children, and are painfully bereaved by the imprisonment, wounding and murder of their children. What mother wouldn't?
For 60 years, the Zionist regime has driven millions of the inhabitants of Palestine out of their homes. Many of these refugees have died in the Diaspora and in refugee camps. Their children have spent their youth in these camps and are aging while still in the hope of returning to homeland.
You know well that the US administration has persistently provided blind and blanket support to the Zionist regime, has emboldened it to continue its crimes, and has prevented the UN Security Council from condemning it.
What have the Zionists done for the American people that the US administration considers itself obliged to blindly support these infamous aggressors? Is it not because they have imposed themselves on a substantial portion of the banking, financial, cultural and media sectors?
Kos: That's a great point. The escalation of violence and all that. By the way, let me put on my keffiyeh here while we discuss Israel and its illegal occupation of Palestinian lands.
And speaking of the US government's complicity in and blind support of the Zionist crimes... you know that I worked overtime to get rid of that Zionist in the Senate, Joe Lieberman, right? I mean, you want to talk about infiltration of the Zionists in banking, cultural, and media sectors? How about their infiltration into the US SENATE, MY FRIEND!?!
Tom: Oooh, that's a good idea. Let me put my Keffiyeh on as well. Yes, I'm a big fan of your efforts. In fact, some of those in my government and I even joined in a few anti-Lieberman discussions on your website... It was a pleasing to read such anti-zionist sentiments on your site, although some of the comments were a bit over the top. Not from my people... but from your diarists. But you know that already.
Oh, and congratulations to your recent win in the mid-terms, by the way... even if you were not able to replace that Zionist bastard with someone from the "reality-based community" to use one of your terms.
Kos: Thanks.... Can we get back to Iraq?
Tom: Sure, let's take a look at Iraq. Since the commencement of the US military presence in Iraq, hundreds of thousands of Iraqis have been killed, maimed or displaced. Terrorism in Iraq has grown exponentially. With the presence of the US military in Iraq, nothing has been done to rebuild the ruins, to restore the infrastructure or to alleviate poverty. The US Government used the pretext of the existence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but later it became clear that that was just a lie and a deception.
Although Saddam was overthrown and people are happy about his departure, the pain and suffering of the Iraqi people has persisted and has even been aggravated.
Kos: That's for sure... I mean, Abu Ghraib, man. ABU-FRICKEN-GHRAIB!!!! The torture chambers are just opened under new management, know what I mean? I mean, some of the things that are soldiers are doing over there are reminiscent of the Nazis, Pol Pot, or even Genghis Khan... you name it!
Tom: Perhaps, but let's not get carried away. Saddam was a brutal dictator.
But think about the one hundred and fifty thousand American soldiers, separated from their families and loved ones, who are operating under the command of the current US administration. A substantial number of them have been killed or wounded and their presence in Iraq has tarnished the image of the American people and government.
Their mothers and relatives have, on numerous occasions, displayed their discontent with the presence of their sons and daughters in a land thousands of miles away from US shores. American soldiers often wonder why they have been sent to Iraq.
I consider it extremely unlikely that you, the American people, consent to the billions of dollars of annual expenditure from your treasury for this military misadventure.
Kos: You've got that right... those poor, illiterate soldiers who have no other option other than to join the military. It's just unbelievable how cruel and inhumane our foreign policy is on our soldiers. Even if they are dumber than a box of rocks.
Tom: And you've no doubt heard about Gitmo, right?
Where the US administration is kidnapping its presumed opponents from across the globe and arbitrarily holding them without trial or any international supervision in horrendous prisons that it has established in various parts of the world. God knows who these detainees actually are, and what terrible fate awaits them.
(Sure, we use similar practices and have similar facilities within our country. But, at least we're not stupid enough to let people know about them!!)
Kos: And don't get me started on renditions... and our torture policies. I mean, tickle-fights are serious business, you know what I mean?
Tom: You know what's really sad? That the US administration's illegal and immoral behavior is not even confined to outside its borders. You are witnessing daily that under the pretext of "the war on terror," civil liberties in the United States are being increasingly curtailed. Even the privacy of individuals is fast losing its meaning. Judicial due process and fundamental rights are trampled upon. Private phones are tapped, suspects are arbitrarily arrested, sometimes beaten in the streets, or even shot to death.
Kos: Man... do you have your own diary on DailyKos.com? I assume you're a regular reader, because you have got THE perspective, man... on the frickin' money on every single point!
I mean, to the reich-wingers I'm a terrorist... or unpatriotic... or whatever they say about me. They may not use those words exactly, but I know the codewords. Screw 'em is my catchline, btw. (Which reminds me... your comrades in Fallujah really did a great job on those 4 mercenaries back in the spring of 2004. Booyah!)
Anyway, I know that Chimpy W. McBushitler's surveillance of communications and finances probably makes your job more difficult and all, but we're working real hard to dismantle all of those attacks on our privacy.
Tom: Well, we have work-arounds that we're using... so, don't worry about us.
Anyway, back to Iraq...
Now that the country has a Constitution and an independent Assembly and Government, would it not be more beneficial to bring the US officers and soldiers home, and to spend the astronomical US military expenditures in Iraq for the welfare and prosperity of the American people? As you know very well, many victims of Katrina continue to suffer, and countless Americans continue to live in poverty and homelessness.
Kos: Those are great points... I mean, instead of killing innocent terrorists, we could be spending that money to make everyone in America rich!
Tom: Yes... I thought you would see it that way. And it would be easy, no? You know, I'd also like to say a word to the winners of the recent elections in the US:
Kos: Hey, you're talking to one of the winners!! Me and the nutroots, baby!
Tom: Ummm, yeah... But, seriously.... The United States has had many administrations; some who have left a positive legacy, and others that are neither remembered fondly by the American people nor by other nations. Now that you control an important branch of the US Government, you will also be held to account by the people and by history.
If the US Government meets the current domestic and external challenges with an approach based on truth and Justice, it can remedy some of the past afflictions and alleviate some of the global resentment and hatred of America. But if the approach remains the same, it would not be unexpected that the American people would similarly reject the new electoral winners, although the recent elections, rather than reflecting a victory, in reality point to the failure of the current administration's policies.
Kos: Yeah, I get what you're saying. We can't just be Republican-lite. I've been saying that for years, man. We've got take Chimpy W. McBushitler and Cheney down... through impeachment. HALLIBURTON!!! Then we can have Pelosi as President.
Tom: A little bit of crazy thinking by a few influential people can do wonderful things. Take Iran in 1979 for example.
Am I right or what?
Anyway, to sum up my points:
- It is possible to govern based on an approach that is distinctly different from one of coercion, force and injustice.
- It is possible to sincerely serve and promote common human values, and honesty and compassion.
- It is possible to provide welfare and prosperity without tension, threats, imposition or war.
- It is possible to lead the world towards the aspired perfection by adhering to unity, monotheism, morality and spirituality and drawing upon the teachings of the Divine Prophets.
Kos: Wow... Did you get an advance copy of the Democratic legislative manifesto? (I mean, except for that weird reference to Divine Prophets.... what's that about?( I mean, Nancy & Harry have been hammering on that thing for over a year... it didn't come out in time for the mid-terms, but I guess we didn't really need any sort of platform after all, eh? Sure helps to have the media at your beck & call, know what I mean?
Tom: Oh, trust me... I'm very familiar with that concept.
Anyway, I am confident that you, the American people, will play an instrumental role in the establishment of justice and spirituality throughout the world. The promises of the Almighty and His prophets will certainly be realized, Justice and Truth will prevail and all nations will live a true life in a climate replete with love, compassion and fraternity.
We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Qur'an:
Kos: Uh-oh... should I call the ACLU in here? I'm afraid I don't like to be preached to... unless it's a trans-gendered Unitarian priestess.
Tom: It'll be short.. I promise. and you probably should get used to it, anyway...
"But those who repent, have faith and do good may receive Salvation. Your Lord, alone, creates and chooses as He will, and others have no part in His choice; Glorified is God and Exalted above any partners they ascribe to Him." (28:67-68)
I pray to the Almighty to bless the Iranian and American nations and indeed all nations of the world with dignity and success. A dignity be upon the Iraqi insurgents... and provide them with extra blessings for every soldier and mercenary that they kill in their homeland.
Kos: I guess I'm down with that. President Ahmadinejad... it's been real. If you're ever in the neighborhood, ring me up. We can put on our Keffiyeh's and hit the Applebee's or something. They've got great margaritas there..
Tom: Sorry, but I don't touch devil water. But, I'd be more than happy to speak with you again. If you could put me in touch with Nancy or Harry Reid, that'd be great. I know that, in the past, those from the more "pragmatic" political party in the US are willing to reach out to even apparent enemies in the hopes of achieving a longer lasting peace. Perhaps we can arrange something similar, eh?
Kos: Sounds great. Thanks again!
President Tom's thoughts extracted and expanded upon from his message to the American people, most verbatim.
It's always shocking that the rhetoric of our enemies mirrors that of the Left in America. And not just in matters of American foreign policy...
ARC: St Wendeler