ARC's 1st Law: As a "progressive" online discussion grows longer, the probability of a nefarious reference to Karl Rove approaches one

Friday, August 05, 2005

Slow News Day - Pt. II - D-day as Reported Today

I trust Saint is done sanitizing the altar and generally dusting up after last night's sacrifices.

As the news is slow, I offer this bit of humor:


Subject: HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS:


Subject: D-day, as reported today

HOW THE D-DAY INVASION WOULD BE
REPORTED BY TODAY'S PRESS:NORMANDY, FRANCE (June 6, 1944)Three hundred French
civilians were killedand thousands more were wounded today in the firsthours of
America's invasion of continental Europe.Casualties were heaviest among women
and children.Most of the French casualties were the result of artillery firefrom
American ships attempting to knock out Germanfortifications prior tothe landing
of hundreds of thousands of U.S. troops.Reports from a makeshift hospital in the
French townof St. Mere Eglise said the carnage was far worse thanthe French had
anticipated, and that reactionagainst the American invasion was running high."We
are dying for no reason,"said a Frenchman speaking on condition of
anonymity."Americans can't even shoot straight.I never thought I'd say this, but
life was better underAdolph Hitler." The invasion also caused
severeenvironmental damage.American troops, tanks, trucks and machinery
destroyedmiles of pristine shoreline and thousands of acres
ofecologically-sensitive wetlands. It was believed that thehabitat of the
spineless French crab was completely wipedout, thus threatening the species with
extinction.A representative of Greenpeace said his organization,which had tried
to stall the invasion for over a year,was appalled at the destruction, but not
surprised."This is just another example of how the militarydestroys the
environment without a second thought,"said Christine Moanmore. "And it's all
aboutcorporate greed." Contacted at his Manhattan condo, amember of the French
government-in-exile who abandonedParis when Hitler invaded, said theinvasion was
based solely on American financial interests."Everyone knows that President
Roosevelt has ties to 'big beer',"said Pierre LeWimp. "Once the German beer
industry is conquered,Roosevelt's beer cronies will controlthe world market and
make a fortune."Administration supporters said America's aggressive actions were
based inpart on the assertions of controversial scientist Albert Einstein, who
senta letter to Roosevelt speculating that the Germans were developing a
secretweapon -- a so-called "atomic bomb." Such a weaponcould produce casualties
on a scale never seen before,and cause environmental damage that could lastfor
thousands of years. Hitler has denied having sucha weapon and international
inspectors were unable to locate suchweapons even after spending two long
weekends in Germany.Shortly after the invasion began, reports surfaced that
German prisonershad been abused by American soldiers. Mistreatment of Jewsby
Germans at their so-called "concentration camps" has been rumored,but so far
this remains unproven. Several thousand Americans diedduring the first hours of
the invasion, and French officials areconcerned that the uncollected corpseswill
pose a public-health risk. "The Americans shouldhave planned for this in
advance," they said. "It's their mess, and we don'tintend to help clean it up."


H/T to my boss, Kevin

Your Co-Conspirator,
ARC: MontereyJohn